Get ready to laugh and/or groan and/or roll your eyes right out of your skull with this collection of clean jokes…


Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was out standing in his field.


Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.


Two fish are in a tank and one says to the other “do you know how to drive this thing?”


There’s no I in denial.


How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.


A squirrel is living in a pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel asks: “What are you doing climbing my tree?”
“Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears,” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears.”
“Well I brought my own pears.”


Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To Who?
To whom.


Me: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.


What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint


What do you call a psychic dwarf who escaped from prison? A small medium at large.


What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic!


Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own? Because it was 2 tired!


Why did the pencil take so long in the bathroom?
It was a #2!


Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side amputated? He’s all right now.


I didn’t believe it when they accused my dad of stealing from the road crews, but when I went home the signs were all there.


Q:What’s green, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A: A pool table.

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